Father's Day 2011

Many, many years ago, when I applied for admission to OCS (I was 1 year too old so I stayed in the enlisted ranks) I was asked who was my role model/hero. Without hesitation I answered that it was my Dad. Nothing has changed since that day. My Dad continues to be my role model and inspiration. He was known as Juvencio, Cuco, Papi and Papa, but all who knew him loved him. I remember being five years old and waiting for my Dad to return from insurance school. I would see him walking up the block with his briefcase and my Mom would let me run down the block to greet him. After a hug and a kiss I would attempt to drag his briefcase up the block but eventually he would have to grab it to minimize the damage to the case.

Dad always had a kind word, a joke or a story to share. Of the many stories from his childhood, one that stood out the most was the fact that he would walk to school barefoot with his shoes over his shoulder. Once he was close to the school he would wash his feet with a rag, put on his socks and shoes and proceed to the school. The process was repeated in reverse at the end of the school day.

In 2007, all his children and granddaughters were fortunate to spend time with him and Mom. Shortly thereafter Dad was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. While he did undergo Gamma Knife surgery, he finally left us in November 2007. During that time my siblings and I took several trips to Florida to spend time with him at home and in the hospital. The faith and strength that our Dad exhibited was something that I had never seen in any other human. Dad was at peace with his maker and accepted God’s will.

This year my oldest daughter and I had an “inverse birthday” as I turned 52 and she turned 25. It’s hard to believe that so much time has passed since I first became a Dad. I hope that after 25 years of fatherhood I have earned the right to give advice to the younger Fathers out there. Two of my friends and colleagues became Fathers this year. August John Spess was born on my birthday (April Fools) to Dave & Emily Spess and Hadley Hull Vincent was born on May 19th to Rob & Priscilla Vincent – hmm, maybe we can set up a meeting in 18 years or so? Anyway I just wanted to pass on some pointers to the new Dads.

1. Always make a fuss about the simplest things. When my girls were growing up I was young, living in Long Island and running a business in Brooklyn. Sometimes I would arrive home after 8pm, tired and distracted. My girls were always excited to see Daddy and wanted to share what they had done that day. I’m sorry to say that I wasn’t always as receptive as I should have been – you can never regain those moments! Take the time to listen, understand, encourage and make a fuss over the popsicle pencil holder or the macaroni picture frame. When possible, save them and you will enjoy looking at them when they graduate from HS, college or the Sergeant Major Academy (LOL!)

2. Attend as many events as possible. As Soldiers we may not always have that pleasure but as civilians we may be tempted to succumb to the pressures of work and maybe miss a game, recital or play. Even though August or Hadley may be playing a minor role as a tree in the school play for them it is the biggest role of their life (to date.) Take pictures, video, hoot, holler and don’t forget the roses for Hadley – mini Irish whiskey for August.

3. Set standards and rules, even as children and don’t let them call your bluff. If you say that there will be a consequence make sure that the penalty is carried out. They may question authority as they get older but never disrespect an elder or relative. Never permit them to raise their voice at you. If you make it a rule and enforce it they will know not to break it…it’s not negotiable. I remember as an adolescent thinking that I would NEVER tell my children “Because I’m your Father, that’s why!” but it is a card that a child can’t beat. Sometimes you have to play it. Teach them that freedom is not free and that our forefathers and ancestors have made great sacrifices to provide us with the liberties that we enjoy. Don’t go crazy when they support the radical candidate (easy Dave…) They are just growing up and trying to “save the world.”

4. If they make a fort, bed tent or fortress made out of seat cushions ask permission to enter. That’s their world. They will invite you in as the want to show you all the gadgets and amenities. You are allowed to suggest improvements but don’t impose your will. Oh and Rob, the day that Hadley tells you that she has a “boyfriend,” just take a deep breath and call your doctor as you will be on blood pressure medication for the rest of your days…welcome to my life!

5. Lastly, love them with all your heart and being. Kiss them goodnight and read them their favorite book. For my daughters it was Big Al. They loved the way that I did the voices so much that a few years ago Alicia signed a copy of the book and gave it to me for Christmas. It is one of my most treasured gifts. Teach them how to hug and kiss and be confident in who they are. Be their pillar – someone they will always look up to and know that you will be there no matter how grave the situation may be. And love your wife with all your heart and being as well. Show your children that love and they will follow your example. They will feel secure knowing that you openly proclaim your love for each other. In a home where love rules, love will grow.

I have learned much from my triumphs and my mistakes and that’s why I share them with you. I have had a wonderful life and my daughters are my greatest accomplishment. Thank you Joann for sharing that journey with me – I couldn’t have done it without you. To Cecilia, thank you for sharing your boys with me and entrusting me with the responsibility of helping you form them into young men.

Rob & Dave, you have a long road ahead. They don’t come with a manual so I hope that this helps. Treasure every single moment as it will be gone before you know it.

To my Father, thank you for my good looks (LOL) and for always being my idol. I miss you every day and know that you are with all of us. We will be together again when HE decides. In the meantime, thanks for watching my back.

Nelson

AKA The Smaj

Fifty plus...the colonoscopy.

One of the rights of passage into one’s fifties is the dreaded colonoscopy. While the process itself is not a big deal, the worst part is definitely the prep the day before. The bowel prep mixture came with several “flavor packets.” I chose pineapple and while it did make it smell “pineappley,” it added no flavor whatsoever. It took me two hours to down the entire jug. The prep directions boldly stated that I should NOT drink alcohol during this process. I can only imagine that this was added after someone decided to over imbibe while being incontinent – not a pretty picture.


The following is the funniest depiction I have ever read of the process before, during and after a colonoscopy. Enjoy!

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).

Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling' Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors... I have never been prouder of an internal organ.



On the subject of Colonoscopies...


Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous...... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:



At one point or another, we've all heard or read these before. But, they're still funny.....



1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



3. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'



4. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'



5. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'



6. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'



7. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'



8. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'



9. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'



And the best one of all:



10. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'